Oh, baby. Talk to me dirty about your CD57 cell count. Tell me all about your parasites, I find them SO sexy. Wait, wait, I want to hear all about your coffee enema and how you laid in bed all Sunday afternoon and couldn’t even bear the sound of your air filter because the whirl of the machine was grating on your brain.
Let’s be honest, dating with chronic illness is not always the easiest or sexiest thing to do. Most often, we are dealing with an array of pain, fatigue, strange ailments, and rigid dietary restrictions. It doesn’t exactly scream out “IDEAL MATE!” But for the right person, none of this will matter. And for the person dealing with chronic illness, remember: your illness is not your identity.
This is a very important distinction: making sure that your illness does not become your identity. You are so much more than your diagnosis. All those things you were before you get sick? You are still all of those things. All of those hobbies and passions? You still have them, they are just on pause. Or maybe you’ve pressed play and you can still write or play music or volunteer or cook or paint, etc. The point is, you are so much more than not feeling well. You are a beautiful, miraculous, amazing, and strong person. And you deserve to be loved, and someone special deserves to love all that you are – The good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. I mean, whoever I date is going to have to deal with the fact that I am obsessed with my cat and my third toe is a tiny bit longer than my second. Who wouldn’t want to get in on that action! I’ve been through hell and back AND I’ve dated while I was mixing tinctures 4 times a day and popping 26 different types of pills. It was sometimes overwhelming, but I never thought to myself, “Self, you are sick and so you are not worthy of love.” F that noise.
We are all worthy of love.
Say it with me. I am enough. I am worthy. I am okay.
Okay, so now that we have established your self worth and are bringing your sexy identity back, I am hearing, “BUT I’M TOO SICK TO DATE.”
This is valid. If you are in the throws of illness, sometimes the only thing you can do is lay in bed and hope for a better tomorrow. When I was my sickest I certainly could not date. I was in survival mode. Sometimes moving from the couch to the bathroom was like asking me to climb Mount Everest. At that point, the most crucial thing you can do for yourself is practice self love. Maybe you can’t date anyone right now, but you CAN date your own bad self. That’s silly, you’re thinking. NOPE, it’s not. The most important relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself, and if you can honestly look at yourself and know you are taking amazing care of yourself, well, you’re the best boyfriend or girlfriend ever. To yourself.
“Self, you are stunning, yes, you. Yes, you in the pajamas, the un-showered you in glasses with a sink full of pots and pans and pill bottles all around you. You stunning minx, I’m going to draw you a bath.”
“Me?” You ask yourself.
“Yes, you, you saucy wench. Go dry brush your skin, knock back some lemon water, slowly take off all your clothes, and GET. IN. THAT. TUB,” you seduce yourself.
“Oh…well…actually, that sounds amazing.” You give in.
“Oh and you know what else?”
“Yes?” you call out.
“Cancel your plans for tonight and tomorrow, it’s okay. You need rest, and I give you permission to take care of yourself. The people who love you best will understand.”
It is so important to be gentle on yourself. Love yourself. This time of sickness is not eternal. It is not forever. It is ‘for now.’
And if you are having an okay-ish day? Well, you know those times you don’t want to do a single thing but you have to go to work so you make it happen? Or that social engagement you promised you would go to and you’re tired but you push yourself through it? Dating is sometimes like that when you have a chronic illness. You might not always be your most energetic self, but a lot of the tactics you use to get you through work and that event you were tired for will serve to get you through this date, as well. By all means, if you can’t make it happen, don’t make things worse on your body, just cancel. You need to take care of yourself, as established above. But if you think you have the energy for it, give it a go! Yes, you might only be able to meet someone for a little while, but that’s okay. A little while is all you need when you are first meeting someone. If you think you can, just try to make it happen.
The prospect of meeting someone new can be exhausting and sometimes the actual dating aspect can be exhausting. But it can be worth it if you meet someone amazing. And if you’ve already met someone and are spending time together, sometimes getting out can actually take your mind off of the pain you are experiencing. The endorphins from being with someone you fancy can start to feel mighty nice. You might feel sick during the day but the endorphins that come from being around your person suddenly make you feel alright. And cuddling? Cuddling becomes the most amazing thing in the world. It reduces inflammation and increases oxytocin which decreases pain. See? There are definitely benefits to cuddling with or without illness.
What’s the worst that can happen? Worst case scenario is you don’t have a connection, best case is you do! And who knows what can happen from there. So give it a try. You’ve dealt with a hell of a lot more than meeting a stranger for tea.
This is only the first part of a series on dating with illness. For more thoughts on the right time to tell someone about your health, sex, and long-term relationships, read on below.