I remember when I believed I had Fibromyalgia. I was dealing with a level of fatigue I didn’t understand, and my boyfriends over the years had a hard time understanding it, as well. One particular boyfriend even went so far as to make me feel like I should get a hearing test because I was so foggy and found his mumbling hard to decipher. My sleeping issues were hard on us and my emotions were difficult for him to endure. Turns out him making out with other women was difficult for ME to endure. But that’s a different story. The point is, symptoms might sometimes get in the way of a date or a relationship, and you know what? Thats okay. Life gets in the way. The right person will understand.
Now, I’m not a relationship advice guru, I’m working on it just like many of you, but I do know when things feel right and wrong. I dated someone once who was so kind about my illness. The relationship didn’t work out, but he was very willing to chill on the couch with me when I wasn’t feeling too hot. He was just fine with me not drinking or eating sugar, in fact, he was more than pumped to take the opportunity to do Whole30 and ask me to join along since I was practically doing Whole30 anyway, what with my dietary restrictions. He was kind. He was concerned, as a boyfriend should be, about whether he could handle it all, but he was patient. And it felt right.
I dated someone else who was not so kind about my illness. When I got my diagnosis, we lasted two more weeks. Instead of going to him the night I found out, I wanted to be alone because I knew he wouldn’t be able to give me the comfort I needed. And when he was more MIA that week than present, I knew it needed to end. He would never be able to support me the way I needed, and people show their true colors when shit hits the fan, excuse my French. The shit had hit.
Dating is difficult enough as it is, but when you add a chronic illness into the mix, there are intense variables. As you start to recover more and more, these issues will become less and less, but when you are in the thick of it, planning things in advance is an immense challenge. You fear canceling and hurting feelings. You fear your romantic interest will not understand. I remember forcing myself to go on a date once because I had already canceled two or three times. I was beyond tired and I ended up feeling exhausted the whole time I was out. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have gone. Be gentle on yourself and do what you can do, but don’t stress out over it. Just recently, I had to cancel a date, almost three years into my treatment. But my guy was understanding. He wanted me to feel well, and so we rescheduled.
Something to keep in mind when dating is that your new mate should not be your only source of happiness. When dating someone is your only happy, it surely will never last. I once dated someone for several months after my long term relationship had ended post-diagnosis. I was still on an intense medicinal regimen and it had been a trying year learning to deal with the ups and downs of illness and Herx reactions. All of a sudden, here was this wonderful man (albeit with some major flaws) and we were infatuated with each other.
I was falling for him fast, and this man became a true source of my happiness. It’s not to say it was wrong he made me happy, but I will say, in hindsight, the fact that he was my only source of happiness did not bode well for us. It’s important, as in all relationships, to keep a sense of self and have other things and people that you can depend on. Do not make your new partner the light in the sky. You are the light. Others will see how bright and shiny you. When someone else is the light, they have all the power to turn the lights out and an awful lot of pressure to keep the light on.
And this one is an important item that can sometimes get overlooked because we are so focused on our own health: Remember, it’s not just hard on you, it’s hard on your partner. Misunderstandings will happen. Open communication is necessary. This is likely new terrain for your partner and he or she might not know what they are in for, only learning once they are further along, just what life will look like with you. Be patient. Ask for what you need and know that different people will be comfortable with different levels of support. It’s important for you to know what level of support is necessary for you to feel emotionally cared for in your relationship, and then it’s vital to find out if your partner is capable of giving that you. If so, fantastic. If not, there might be some hard conversations ahead for the both of you.
Dating with a chronic illness is an adjustment, but it can be done. You might learn that some people are not going to be cut out for dating someone dealing with health issues. But for the ones that are, they are gems. And they are out there. You’ve got this. Don’t give up!
