One minute you’re locking eyes, the next minute you’re wondering if you’ll ever see him again after you’ve shared the fact that you have a chronic illness. Navigating the right time for disclosure is very much a personal decision, but it ultimately comes down to your comfort level with the person and the amount of time you’ve spent together.
I’ve done this a few different ways, but I’ve never shared the information on a first date. Or a second date. One time I told someone (who I thought was incredibly keen on me) on the third date. We had a fourth date where he brought up all sorts of remedies and relievers for me to try and asked me if I’d ever tried the herb Kratom to manage my symptoms. He said “There must be things we can try!” We. I felt like he wanted to be a part of my journey. He walked me home and gave me a kiss outside my door… And then he bailed on me before our fifth date. Maybe he’d Googled more about my illness and gotten scared.
Some people may feel more comfortable disclosing the information right away. But I’ve always wanted to wait awhile. It’s just not worth it to me to tell someone on a first date for multiple reasons: I might not see it going anywhere, he might not see it going anywhere, maybe we just don’t click or there is no chemistry, do I want to take the chance of scaring him away right off the bat? Etc., etc. There are just too many variables to go down that road on Date #1. No, I’m not going to open up to someone unless I can potentially see that we might be interested in getting to know each other. Because I want people to get to know me. Not my illness, but ME. I want them to see me for who I am as a woman, who I am as an artist, who I am as passionate spirited kooky individual. I want them to get to know me first and my illness second. Then they can make more of an informed decision about sticking around based on the fact that I’m a phenomenal kick-ass gal, not just the fact that I am dealing with chronic illness.
It’s not the blonde from the coffee shop.
But it’s not so cut and dry. While I am not my chronic illness, I can’t deny that it plays a huge role in my life. How do you tell a potential partner that you can’t always be spontaneous. That there is going to be a third person in the relationship and that, no… it’s not the sexy blonde from the coffee shop. And sometimes that third person, your chronic illness (Let’s call her C.I.) is going to make you wake up feeling like you can’t get out of bed. Sometimes C.I. is going to send stabbing pains all over your body and make you forget the pin number to your bank account. C.I. is going to want a lot of attention too. Maybe even more than you do. And how do you tell your prospective partner that you want, no, that you need him to give C.I. some substantial love and support or else you’ll feel alone and unsupported?
…Worst of all, how do you tell your suitor that he can’t do anything to make C.I. leave…?
That even if he decides he wants the relationship to be just the two of you, C.I. is not going anywhere and cannot be broken up with. That you guys will need to check in with her before, well, EVERYTHING.
“C.I., do I have enough energy for a walk to the park today? Can I have sexy times today or go out to brunch without feeling like death? No? Really? Okay, yeah, that’s cool. I didn’t want to do any of those things anyway.”
It’s infuriating. You want to break up with C.I., too. Maybe even more than your partner does. But, OHHHHHH, she’s a crafty, shifty son of a bitch and she is going to hold on for dear life. Sometimes she’ll quiet down for awhile and you’ll forget she’s still there, but she’s always there, lurking. And you still need your partner to check in on C.I. from time to time because she’s an important part of the relationship, like it or not. She’s the unwanted third wheel you just can’t shake. Maybe not for always, but for right now, for sure.
HOW CONFUSING IS THAT? It’s like an unwanted menage-a-trois. Not that I’ve ever had a menage-a-trois. But I can imagine a tryst with a third you wish would disappear is not the fixings for a good time.
It is brutal to go through all of these thoughts and musings! When most people are just navigating dating, you’re navigating chronic illness and dating.
By the time I eventually do tell someone there are health problems, the prospective suitor usually has an idea that something is up. Oh, there are plenty of clues. The fact that I want to meet for tea and not drinks. The fact that I don’t eat gluten. Or dessert. Or anything fun. The fact that I vaguely and casually mentioned I had a health scare a few years back… They are polite. They don’t ask. They are probably scared to ask and are waiting for when I feel comfortable enough to share. And it is a fine line. You want to give enough time for someone to get to know the real you, and at the same time, you don’t want to wait too long because then you’ll feel like you’re hiding something. And in the back of your mind, the scariest thought of all is: Are you even sure the real you hasn’t become intertwined with your chronic illness? Because like it or not, it changes your life. You are still that kick-ass phenomenal woman, but are you exactly the same woman you once were? How do you explain that? It’s an existential concept that is difficult enough to consider on your own, let alone inviting someone else in to that mental hurricane.
I usually disclose my health after five or six dates – or whenever that works out to me feeling comfortable. If I feel like he knows me after a week, then so be it. Or if it’s a few weeks or a month and a half, it is what it is. It’s a hold your breath kind of moment and I usually talk for too long and give generalities instead of specifics and let my suitor know that he can ask any questions he wants. And I have been surprised that the people I have told have been concerned and are sorry it’s something I’ve had to go through and deal with, but for the most part seem to be okay with it. Maybe it’s because they don’t know much about the diagnosis and don’t know yet what life looks like with someone with a chronic illness. And that’s okay. Because, truly, only time will tell if they can handle that rollercoaster.
So take heart. Most people are able to decide whether or not they want to be with you based on YOU. Not your illness. So when is the right time to tell your soon-to-be sweetie about your health issues? Go with your gut. What’s meant for you won’t pass you by, so just trust that your timing will be right, no matter what.
