Maybe it has been weeks. Or months. Or years. But the influx of concern that occurred when you first shared your chronic illness with people has subsided to the point where you wonder if anyone cares anymore. Maybe people think you are healed since it has been so long. Maybe you are all better. Maybe your sad long journey has culminated in WELLNESS! Slowly, very slowly, people stop asking you how you are feeling.
Few people will understand the sense of unease and inner pain that this may cause. The sad fact is that, even though you may be have waves of ‘doing better,’ you are still not completely well yet. Maybe you have become a master at disguising your symptoms to the point where people can barely tell you have anything going on. Maybe you DO have days where you are rocking your chronic illness and are feeling great. But the truth is, until you reach remission, you may still be struggling and still need support. And even if you have reached remission, the day may come when you have another flare of symptoms.
I know most people mean well. But it’s a delicate issue that requires some balance on both sides.
From my side, I might feel angry and sad. Like people have forgotten what I’m up against. For example, my family rarely asks me how I feel anymore. It is difficult because they are the closest to me, and I want their support and love. So when they fail to check in with me, I feel let down. The same goes for close friends. They see me when I’m out and about so they don’t always connect to the fact that I’m still struggling. And for a moment, I get shaken because I think they have forgotten what I deal with every day and that my life is consumed by trying to get better. It is a moment of emotional turmoil. A struggle of logic versus trauma. Because deep down, I know I am subconsciously tangled up in the period of time surrounding the beginning of my illness: a time when I lost so many people in my life. People who didn’t seem to care. People who were not there for me. People who questioned me. I lost a lot of folks I loved. So, ultimately, (at least for me), my upheaval of emotion is insecurity based around abandonment issues from my previous trauma of losing loved-ones I thought would always be there for me.
Yikes, that was a mouthful.
But then I have to check myself. While it would be perfect if folks intuitively knew what the chronically ill are up against, a healthy person, try as he/she might, is probably not going to “get it” the way we want them to. They empathize the best they can with the knowledge they have. It’s no slam on our healthy buddies. I don’t want them to get it the way a sick person does. Because then they would be sick. And I don’t want that! It’s not their fault and it’s not our fault. Perhaps they HOPE we are better. Perhaps they see us out wearing makeup and doing activities and they assume we are better. Why would they think someone could feasibly be sick for this long?
Something else to consider is that folks have their own shit going on, quite frankly. While we might be so consumed with thoughts surrounding our illness that we assume our health should be the first thing our friends and family ask about, the truth is, people get consumed with what is going on in their lives. FACT: My mom and dad have health problems and are thinking about their health problems. It sucks that they’ve stopped checking in with me much, but I also have to consider that they just don’t get it like a chronically ill person and have a lot going on in their lives. FACT: A lot of my friends have their own families or are caught up in drama in their own lives. I know they love me. I know they only wish the best for me. But even though I think it shouldn’t be so hard to check in with me, I have to check myself periodically and remind myself that their inaction is likely not full of malice. I have learned it just is an unfortunate result of being chronically ill for years upon years. People don’t check in as much as they used to. We are still loved.
So here are some tips! For both the ill and non-ill.
For the chronically ill:
-Try not to get hung up on your loved-ones’ inaction. Very likely, they don’t intuitively know what you need from them to feel supported. Even if they fail to check in with you, know that people have their own lives going on and it doesn’t mean they don’t love you or care about you. Cut them some slack the same way they’ve probably cut you slack for not checking in with them when you were super caught up in your own happenings.
For friends and loved-ones:
-Even if you think your chronically ill friend/family member is doing A-OK, check in on them once in awhile. Ask them how they are doing. Something as simple as, “Hey, I know you’ve been dealing with this for a long time, but I wanted to see how you were feeling lately?” Other easy asks are things like, “How’s your energy today?” or “How are your symptoms lately?” Honestly, it doesn’t need to be a huge conversation, but just a simple check-in goes a long way in supporting your loved-one.
To sum it up, being sick for a long time SUCKS. We may think it should be second-nature for everyone to constantly be checking in on us, but if we are only out when we are feeling well or we are ‘faking it,’ people might not know we are hurting or suffering in silence. It’s okay to share your needs with people and it’s okay to say nothing, as well. Each relationship and person will have a different set of parameters and you will find your own groove within each one. The small details are many, and both sides of the coin need to do their best to find grace in their actions and reactions.
